Shadowy SAGE scientists conjure new paper aimed at conning sceptical youth into staying home.
A new paper from the Scientific Advisory Group for Emergencies (SAGE) states with grave seriousness that a lack of compliance with Covid-19 rules is “substantially lower and declining” among young people compared to oldies due to a “lack of trust in government”. Wow, whoever thought that could be the case?
The dark lords of lockdown have recommended, therefore, that said young anarchists told to stay at home should be given “good financial and other support, e.g. free mobile phone data, streaming and gaming”.
According to their expert findings, young people are more interested in instant gratification, therefore any interventions should reward adherence accordingly, such as streaming and gaming services being provided for free. How this would work exactly is anyone’s guess.
This was just one of a series of recommendations in the paper called “increasing adherence to Covid-19 preventative behaviours among young people”, by the Scientific Pandemic Influenza Group on Behaviours (SPI-B).
We would consider this a pretty devious move from the dementors of SAGE currently running the country, as it amounts to a major bribe to many people currently excited about next-gen consoles and exciting new PC hardware. Frankly, it’s akin to offering a crack addict another hit in return for keeping quiet about the bullshit we’re all living through.
Still, if we have no choice, who would say no to some ‘free’ game time??
